Adult Contentment

"How Happiness Sounds, or Get Out of Your Grump Pants"

2012-01-20T09:00:00.000-06:00

File Under: Acoustic and Warbly, Just How I Like It.

"Let There Be Plants"

2012-01-03T07:23:00.000-06:00

This is Peter, my shamrock plant. I pretty much like to play God with Peter- that is, letting him suffer on the verge of expiration and then nurturing him back to a flourishing life. Here he is during a particularly successful revival.

I'm never really been a houseplant gal but my boss gave him to me and said I couldn't kill him. She was right.

File Under: Delusions of Grandeur

"Fabulously Cheap: Accessories"

2011-12-28T09:09:00.000-06:00

I'll be completely honest, I spend a significant portion of my day-dreaming about sitting by a fireplace in a cashmere sweater, toasting champagne in a Herve Leger at my engagement party, drinking lattes with a Birkin bag resting casually beside my crossed, dainty ankles (you're getting the fantasy montage here right...?) I'm always a size 4 in these daydreams too so I hope that gets the point across that these images are a complete fabrication of my psyche- things that just simply won't ever occur. Except maybe the cashmere. I don't think it's too much to ask that I have one item of cashmere in my life.

The point is that a county bumpkin like me just isn't going to have the cash flow or the lifestyle to ever make those big ticket purchases a reality. The fact is that if I ever have the cash flow to buy a Birkin, I'll probably also have a six year old whose snot I don't really want to wipe on my $30,000 bag. Besides that, I'm 23, living in the butt crack of the Midwest, and only 1 in 25 people who I meet would know what a Birkin was without a Google search, followed by a Wikipedia article.

I won't, however, stop my search, nay, my quest, to get a little bit of fabulous right here, right now. The perfect compromise? Accessories. Every big boy designer purchase has a little baby brother for a more affordable price and if not, then a first cousin will suit as a resonable knock-off. (Does that even make sense? Go cheap, is what I'm saying.)

I know what you really want is this delightful little Coach bag here:

But honey, I'm saving for a wedding. That $400 is spoken for! This satchel from Payless, will only set you back $26:

Slap this gorgeous Coach scarf on the handle and bam! You are looking luxe for less.

I think you see where I'm going with this. I just really love that you can spend a fourth of what you might have otherwise, and still have something really glamorous, super fun, while staying absolutely in budget. Here are some of my favorite accessory-picks, all clocking in under $150:

Leather Cashmere-Lined Gloves from Coach, $98:

Leather Wallet from Coach, $138:

Chevron Wristlet from Coach, $118:

High 5 Mittens from Kate Spade, $65:

Metallic Ear Warmer from Kate Spade, $85:

Black Leggings from Kate Spade, $48:

Paperclip Notes Gift Set from Kate Spade, $35:

Silk Square Scarf from LL Bean Signature, $39:

Sport Wool Bag from LL Bean Signature, $95:

Skinny Braided Belt from LL Bean Signature, $39

Ballet Slipper from LL Bean Signature, $79 (on sale):

Handbag from J.Crew Factory, $150 (on sale):

Aviator Sunglasses from J.Crew Factory, $20:

Enamled Bangle from J. Crew, $20:

Signet Ring from J. Crew, $25:

Vintage Pajama Sleep Set from J. Crew, $78:

To my mind, you can pretty much shop exclusively at Target (and I know plenty of fabulous people that do!), sprinkle in a generous helping of deluxe accessories, and you're not only faking it... you're making, it baby!

File Under: Cheap Sheet

"GaGa Honey, Sit! Eat! Peakish You Look!"

2011-12-23T09:00:00.000-06:00

Source

How telling is it that the first reaction I had to this illustrations was "GaGa looks too thin."

File Under: Jewish Mother

"How Happiness Sounds, or Get Out of Your Grump Pants"

2011-12-20T09:00:00.000-06:00

File Under: Who Doesn't Like Bowie?

"Our Differences Will Bring Us Together, or Am I Really the Only One?"

2011-12-17T09:00:00.000-06:00

Do you ever wonder if your personal habits are vastly different than those around you? Like you've been doing something one way your entire life before you saw someone do it differently and thought, "What the HELL! That's not right!"

Before I started dating Brett, I always buttered both sides of the bread whenever I made grilled cheese. I saw him make it once and he only buttered the outside and it was literally not until that moment that I realized how unnecessary it was for me to butter the inside of the sandwich. I've since ceased and desisted.

I also put the syrup in the refridgerator until Brett pointed out that his family did not do that and it made much more sense to enjoy syrup from the cabinet at room tempurature rather than icy cold from the fridge.

But those things are easy. They're clearly habits that we pick up from our parents and families and only when we live in close quarters with another person is there ever any light shed on how weird they might be.

What about more private habits, things that no one else ever sees you do? For example, I wonder if I use signficantly more or less toilet paper in a sitting than the average person. Is it normal that when I shave my legs I always go in the order: calves, thighs, toes, feet? Did I transition from sugared to black coffee at a regular pace or did my laziness advance me to bitter coffee at an earlier age? No one ever told me how to do these things explicitly, though to be honest I feel like I missed some very crucial information as I matured from child to teen to young adult (who dropped the liquid eyeliner ball, I'd like to know.) These are the things that keep me up at night, or rather, the things I think about in the bathroom at work.

This has been a serious post.

File Under: Freudian

"Mate Lipstick is Chic, Not Cheap"

2011-12-15T09:00:00.000-06:00

Product I'd Recommend:

My Favorite Lipstick right now is Revlon's Super Lustrous Matte Lipstick in Pink Pout.

My absolute favorite thing about it, other than the color, and other than the fact that you can buy it for cheap anywhere, is that you can apply it in the car, with your eyes closed, after a margarita (or three.) It's so user friendly. I think matte lipsticks are just like that. Super wearable. The website describes it as creamy and I'd say that's pretty accurate. Not creamy like gravy though. Creamy like... cheesecake filling. It's also this Barbie pink color, so it's insta-glam for any outfit without being too vampy. And when you've got braces, vampy is a real no-go. Don't skip on the chapstick though- if your lips are chapped it doesn't look great. I'd recommend coating your lips with vaseline (or Aquaphor, which I'm addicted to) and then lightly scrubbing it off with a warm, damp washcloth. Wah-la! Beautiful, soft lips. Also- keep it in your pocket for reapplication. It's not the most stay-proof.
Here's a photo of what it looks like on-

Find the review here

Those aren't my lips by the way. I keep my moustache a lot thicker.

File Under: What's In My Paltry Makeup Bag

"The Final Word"

2011-12-12T09:00:00.000-06:00

File Under: Life Force

"How Happiness Sounds, or Get Out of Your Grump Pants"

2011-12-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

File Under: I Actually Like This Country Song, So Shut Up About It

"Pet Peeves: A Challenge to Eliminate the Annoying from the World"

2011-12-08T09:00:00.000-06:00

Let me tell you about a pet peeve of mine that is totally irrational insofar as it's present in my personality.

I absolutely hate it when people don't throw away disposable dishes.

Dixie cups are not meant to be washed and reused, team. They are for keg beer and for church basement kool-aid and then you throw that shit away. Plastic forks and spoons are glorious in their thriftiness and cheapness.

But here is the duality of my personality- I am forever trying to save ziplock bags. I could probably get by on one box of ziplock baggies for like a year. But really, if you only put baby carrots in it, why can't you just rinse it out and put some cheese in it later too? I never reuse them if I've put anything saucy or creamy in them, but honestly... how often are you putting Alfredo in a ziplock bag?

File Under: Why I'm Hard to Live/Work With

"All I Want Is To Do Nothing"

2011-12-07T09:00:00.000-06:00

Confessions.

I am so lazy.

I think my fatal flaw is laziness. What hubris was to the ancient Greek heroes, laziness is to this white Midwestern girl who carries her weight around the middle.

Brett said it best- "I like my job. I like money. I like have something to do during the day. I just hate work."

This is totally how I feel. (Brett is my spirit animal, by the way. This is why we are getting married. To annoy the world with our idioms, together.)

There is really no solution to this problem in real time. I can't go back and be born the heiress of an oil mogul so I'm destined to live this life of multiple Internet tabs: email, Pintrest, Mindy Kaling's blog, and westelm.com.

The truth is unless you're born into the margins of society like a Kardashian or a Hilton or a Lohan, the only time you get to relax is on vacation. How can one afford vacation? You got it, Jack: a full time job. I mean, my full time job is pretty cush as far as full time jobs go. A couple weeks ago I spent all morning in a Christmas apron and a Santa hat. I also can't even begin to calculate how much I get paid to stand around and eat. Like I said before, I like my job. It's the work I can't stand.

And to clarify, it's not that I want to stay home all day. I mean, even a stay at home mom doesn't approach my required levels of relaxation. I do not want to deal with little goblins of either child or cleaning variety during the day. I want to sleep in, and watch Nova Documentaries on Netflix Instant Watch, and practice making different types of cookies. I also want to try different nail designs, and walk around on comfortably carpeted floors in new heels, and take really long bubble baths (in this dream sequence I have a jacuzzi tub also, just bear with me here.)

I guess it's the human condition we're really talking about here. One white girl's need to succeed in life while doing as absolutely little as possible. What I'm saying- pray for me. And also never ask me to do anything after 3:30 pm.

File Under: Why I'll Never Be Thin and/or Nominated for Awards

"Who I Would Be If I Couldn't Be Me"

2011-12-05T09:00:00.002-06:00

I work pretty hard to be a self-actualized modern woman, but there are a few people that I just adore so much that I would quite literally give up every shred of my own style to just meld into their auras. These people are just the best of the best, icons really. I always envy them, whenever I see them.

Kate Middleton:

Lauren Conrad:

Beyonce (Let's be honest, if I'm posting, I'm posting about Beyonce):

Christina Hendricks:

I'm not going to put their pictures on here but my icons irl are my friends Laur and Shana. I swear to gawd I have never seen them in an outfit that didn't deserve to be photographed. They're darling Sartorialists.

File Under: Playing Dress Up, Green with Envy

"Beer: The Elixir of Life or What You Get Into After College"

2011-12-03T09:00:00.000-06:00

Product(s) I'd Recommend:

Beer. Specifically, a beer for all three seasons: Sweaty Season, Sweater Season, and Those 2 Days in September When It's Fucking Glorious Outside.

Cold Weather:

The Boulevard Pilsner is the perfect beer for rookies like me, who you'll learn after my next two recommendations, like their beer to taste like not beer. It's the older half brother from Bud Light's Dad's first marriage. You can drink it. You won't really like it at first, but it'll grow on you. It's really good to order at a bar when you'll be maligned again for ordering shitty beer. And let's get real, when it's nasty outside, where else would you be but at the bar? Put on your turtleneck, get out the board games, and enjoy a night in with the Pilsner.

Hot Weather:

Twisted Tea is truly legit. It really tastes like tea which is usually a stretch for things that claim to be what they clearly are not. (Like Katy Perry and her entire career in the music industry.) I've only ever had one in a sitting, so no news on whether or not this could potentially send you to the ER after you fell into the bonfire whilst screaming "I THROW MY HANDS UP IN THE AIR SOMETIMES! AY OH!"

Tolerable Weather:

Woodchuck Hard Cider is like the first guy you were really into in high school. He's a little more serious than the boy you held hands with on the bus (Smirnoff Ice) but way less intense than your college boyfriend who gets you drunk so you'll open up about your true thoughts on Feminism in Mass Media Representations of Political Power (Long Island Ice Tea), but you still remember fondly even when you are engaged to be married to a guy who has both a full time job and an X-Box (Whiskey and Diet Cokes). The honest truth is that it's just really delightful, there are no hard feelings between you and Woodchuck Hard Cider. Makes you want to crawl into a flannel shirt, put your hair in braids, and just be that chick who actually looks cute in flannel and braids.

If you're lucky enough to live near a Hy-Vee and have a fiance who has a penchant for their "Make Your Own Six Pack"s then you can drink all three of these in one night inside the comfort of your own home and give a big middle finger to whatever the weather's doing outside.

File Under: The Good Life, How I Buy Beer That's Not Beer

"Eyebrows are the Window into the Soul"

2011-12-02T09:00:00.000-06:00

So, in case you are freaking out about your eyebrows like all day, every day like I am, never fear. I mean, yes we look like circus people right now BUT hope is not lost. Be a freak no more!

Here's a link to an article by The Beauty Department gals that makes me start to feel a little better about my life. Another ray of sunshine, I picked up this NYC Liner in Taupe at Walmart for about a buck ($1 USD) (haha) and it actually works great. If you haven't figured out that I'm a female Ebenezer Scrooge when it comes to buying things I can't get on the ultra cheap, then you're way behind.

I think I'm going to skip the gym tonight, paint my fingernails, and torture my brow line a bit. Here's some inspo: (courtesy of weheartit.com)

Haha. Just Kidding.

File Under: Life Choices

"Giving Away Your Crap is the Secret to Feeling Productive or, Why Some Day I'll Literally Have Nothing to Wear."

2011-12-01T09:00:00.004-06:00

Here is the blog post based on the Facebook update. Expect more of these soon.

Let's talk about how fantastic a feeling it is to give away your things. Maybe it's because I'm trying on my big girl pants for the first time, or because Brett and I are going to register soon, or because the moon is full and in the 4th quadrant, but I want to literally give away everything I own.

Every time I think I can't give away anything else, I fill up two more boxes of stuff I'll never miss. It amazes me every time. Cheap ass chotsky I got at a thrift store somewhere, a boxy blouse that gives me granny arms, a book on the physics of yogurt- yer' outta here! It's both creepy and relieving to know that those things that once took up precious space in my apartment are going to eventually wind up under the couch cushions of someone with a hoarding problem.

I've never missed anything I've given away. I saw this picture:

on Facebook the other day and thought "I'm pretty sure I would wear that shirt if I still had it.. hrmm.. Oh well." (Related: eyeliner, much? Holy toledo!)

Part of me is totally zen about the whole experience. Getting rid of clutter and stuff you don't love opens up your home, and in turn your life, to more things that matter. The other part of me experiences a herione-level high everytime I toss out another coffee cup.

The point is that while I'm clearly morally superior and on a life-course towards perfection and escstacy, I also genuinely enjoy the feeling (of cleaning, not just the moral superiority.) Maybe it's because I still delusionally believe that someday I'll replace all of my Goodwill sweaters with cashmere from J. Crew, and that some day my house will look more like a page out of a Pottery Barn catalog than the house that Lindsay Lohan was at, right before the police took her mug shot.... but I think I'll keep on keeping on, just in case!

File Under: Mental Clarity, Why I Walk Around Smug

"Victoria's Secret: The Secret To Getting A Gal's Butt Off the Couch"

2011-11-30T12:46:00.001-06:00

So last night as I was preparing for an evening soak (you're looking at the only adult in the tri-state area who takes regular baths, right here) I got a call from some pals with an invite to come over, drink some wine, and shame ourselves by watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion show. This invitation hit an Amanda "Sweet Spot"- it's free, it involves being extra bitchy, and I can do it in my sweats.

I had already worked out last night, basically controlled myself throughout the day, and treated myself to a bubble bath so I went in pretty optimistic. I left feeling... a little differently. They're beautiful girls, they really are. But man... Did you see Beyonce? Tell me she was not looking more lovely and sexual than any girl up on the runway! She's my idol. I enjoyed the show though. We had a good time watching, DIED when Adam Levine escorted his girlfriend down the stage, and I believe we'll all be meeting at the gym tonight in the vain effort to someday, maybe, whittle our thighs down to the size of one of their torsoes.

Here's a link to a CBS story about it, and few of my favorite photos from last night:

She's my fave!

Nicki Minaj was looking absolutely fly, per usual.

Also, who was not excited to see Hov come out? Screen shots of Queen B were not far behind.

THIS moment... ugh.

File Under: Masochism, Why We Do The Things We Do.

"I Think Elegance and Attitude are the Same Thing"

2011-11-29T09:00:00.000-06:00

This reminds me of another one of my favorite reality shows:

File Under: Guilty Pleasures, Sex Maniacs

"Let's Hang on to What We've Got"

2011-11-26T09:00:00.000-06:00

My favorite sort of mail is catalogues. I request catalogues from any store I might ever want to buy anything from. I shop almost exclusively online but I just really go nuts over a catalog. One week, I got an Eddie Bauer, a Crate and Barrel, AND a Better Homes and Gardens magazine and I almost went berzerker.

I am Meg Swan.

http://youtu.be/lQKdEdzHnfU

File Under: Catalog People, What Gets Me Through My Week

"How Happiness Sounds, or Get Out of Your Grump Pants"

2011-11-25T09:00:00.000-06:00

File Under: Love You Too, Ray

"Graditude is Attidude or, Put Up or Shut Up, or Happy Thanksgiving"

2011-11-24T09:00:00.000-06:00

Source

After reading this Time's article, I'm compelled to, in wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving, share what I'm grateful for. Here are those things, in no particular order:

My cat Fatty and his ability to curl up by my face and be super cuddly
Avocado in anything
Control-top tights
The feature on my iPhone that makes it really easy to take my own picture now
Brett and every single thing he does for me every single second of the day
The Target shoe section
The Internet
Aquaphor
My little sister and her sense of humor
My mom, my dad, my step mom, and all of my step siblings. I love the pants off those guys
Diet Coke
Mascara and eyebrow pencils
My dog Stella and the mornings when she doesn't wake up at 6 to go pee
My friends, with whom I drink, eat, laugh, cry, and experience the very best parts of life. More pants off loving
My job, which pays and provides for my WASPy lifestyle
The people I work with who are these tremendous, hilarious, generous people
J. Crew Factory. . . bless you.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. I hope that this day finds you in a place you are grateful to be, with people you are lucky to know, in a world you are glad to live in. All my love.

File Under: Holiday Greetings

"Blogging Mediocrity, or How to Be Average at Everything"

2011-11-22T17:00:00.000-06:00

The fact of the matter is that I'm only moderately good at anything. This comes remarkably into play in the blogging world. I mean, write what you know, right?

I'm only sort of crafty. I can crochet, and follow an online tutorial, and I made a pretty legit dress for a lion costume this Halloween.

Exhibit A:

I'm also only sort of fashionable. As you can see above, my hair can do some pretty unpredictable things, but I buy a vast majority of my clothes at Gap and not very well. Here's a photo of an outfit where I boldly paired a blazer with a pencil skirt:

For reference though, here's a picture where I wore all black and looked conceivably thinner, and one where I wore a cat skirt:

This is about as adventurous as it gets with this budget.

I'm also only moderately committed to living a lifestyle that vaguely resembles anything healthy, this is, working out, eating right, etc etc. I have no kids and mommy-blogging seems to have a pretty strict requirement in that regard.

I don't have a particularly dramatic or interesting job and to be perfectly honest, I'd rather have my eyelashes plucked out than have to tell another person what my wedding colors are.

What I'm getting at is an apology for all the times in the future I'm probably going to blog about lipstick. These are things in my life that fall into the center of the venn diagram of things I care about, can afford, and don't make me nauseous to say out loud.

This has been a public service announcement.

File Under: Why I'm Average, Why I Pretend to Be More Fabulous

"Cocktail Rings Make Your Polish Look Good"

2011-11-20T09:00:00.000-06:00

Kate Spade

This hand... it's just so... where I want to be.

File Under: The Green Eyed Monster; Fat Fingers Prohibit Index Finger Rings

"Good Gold!"

2011-11-19T09:00:00.000-06:00

Product I'd Recommend:

The nail polish that I'm currently letting disintegrate off my nails is Revlon's Gold Coin.

Another review, here

I couldn't find the color online, but I'm pretty sure it's still available in drugstores, because as we know... that is where I shop exclusively. Also, in case you've never met me and thought I was less skanky than I am, those aren't my nails. My nails look like this:

Anyway, the point is, prior to the 4 week mark, this nail polish is killer. I'm pretty white bread which means I don't like to spend a lot of time getting ready in the morning, so I like how it looks like I could be holding a martini glass instead of a stapler and a cup of coffee.

It's more shiny and less glittery which is excellent for two reasons: 1) it applies very easily and 2) as a person who uses polish remover as a very last resort, this polish comes off a whole helluva lot easier than glitter polish which requires you to soak in acetone from the elbows down for an evening.

It's also fits in remarkably well with a glamorous lion costume, which I was for Halloween and which you, my fiance, and all of my friends will hear about until next October. Because it was an excellent costume is why. Here is a photo of that costume, where my nails are the only good looking people:

Also making a cameo appearance is another product I'd recommend for any of your 70s glam needs, Hard Candy's Meteor-eyes Baked Eyeshadow in Lunar Eclipse.

Review here

I'll be honest, I tried to put this on my face one morning before work, expecting it go on sheer when I used a brush instead of a damp sponge applicator, and that was just the wrong plan. It's this intense. I promise. Wear it when you want to get laid NOT when you want a raise... and I'm just going to assume those don't happen at the same time.

File Under: Halloween Costumes As Real Life

"How Happiness Sounds, or Get Out of Your Grump Pants"

2011-11-18T15:43:00.001-06:00

I've posted this before but let's be honest here, I worship at the altar of Beyonce. Only a true diva would have back up dancers thinner than she is without taking any attention off her fine ass.

File Under: Everything I Ever Want to Be In Life Ever