All I Want Is To Do Nothing

Confessions.

I am so lazy.

I think my fatal flaw is laziness. What hubris was to the ancient Greek heroes, laziness is to this white Midwestern girl who carries her weight around the middle.

Brett said it best- "I like my job. I like money. I like have something to do during the day. I just hate work."

This is totally how I feel. (Brett is my spirit animal, by the way. This is why we are getting married. To annoy the world with our idioms, together.)

There is really no solution to this problem in real time. I can't go back and be born the heiress of an oil mogul so I'm destined to live this life of multiple Internet tabs: email, Pintrest, Mindy Kaling's blog, and westelm.com.

The truth is unless you're born into the margins of society like a Kardashian or a Hilton or a Lohan, the only time you get to relax is on vacation. How can one afford vacation? You got it, Jack: a full time job. I mean, my full time job is pretty cush as far as full time jobs go. A couple weeks ago I spent all morning in a Christmas apron and a Santa hat. I also can't even begin to calculate how much I get paid to stand around and eat. Like I said before, I like my job. It's the work I can't stand.

And to clarify, it's not that I want to stay home all day. I mean, even a stay at home mom doesn't approach my required levels of relaxation. I do not want to deal with little goblins of either child or cleaning variety during the day. I want to sleep in, and watch Nova Documentaries on Netflix Instant Watch, and practice making different types of cookies. I also want to try different nail designs, and walk around on comfortably carpeted floors in new heels, and take really long bubble baths (in this dream sequence I have a jacuzzi tub also, just bear with me here.)

I guess it's the human condition we're really talking about here. One white girl's need to succeed in life while doing as absolutely little as possible. What I'm saying- pray for me. And also never ask me to do anything after 3:30 pm.

File Under: Why I'll Never Be Thin and/or Nominated for Awards