So I don't know about y'all, but I've been married for about 5 minutes and I already feel like I'm really dropping the ball. I'm not saying this from a point of crisis, but from a point of sincerity. I'm trying to respond instead of react.
Brett and I have been together over 5 years and even so, we are still very much in the honeymoon stage of our marriage. Getting married was awesome. I love being married. I love being Brett's wife. I really really love that Brett is my husband.
When I give myself a personal assessment though, I just don't feel like I'm earning a passing grade. I think so much about Brett's role in my life and how much I appreciate him as my support and my teammate and I forget about my end of the deal. Or I feel like I do.
Another important note- Brett thinks I'm an awesome wife. This is a self evaluation moment, not a marriage-in-crisis moment. I just want to be the best I can for him, ya know?
I'm throwing this out there for a couple reasons:
1) I'm an extrovert and this is what I do.
2) Brett and I are experiencing some situations outside of our marriage that have in many ways overwhelmed us and tested our problem solving and coping skills beyond what we expected to endure during the first few months of our marriage.
3) I want people to know that being married is awesome but not easy. I want to share my challenges so that others might experience peace in camaraderie. I also don't want anyone to be caught off guard if their honeymoon stage doesn't actually look or feel all the much like a honeymoon after all.
But most of all:
4) I'd love some advice.
Here's a short, incomplete list of ways I feel like I'm bombing it:
-Brett is happy when his outsides match his insides. I can neglect housework like its my job.
-Brett is touchy, feely, ooey, gooey, mushy, gushy. As I've noted before, I'm not much of a toucher.
-I'm so sassy. I have a snarky comment for everything. A suggestion. A remark. A critique. That's good for no one.
-I'm a better talker than a listener.
I could go on, but I won't because the point here is not to beat myself up. I want to be the best partner I can be to my awesome, caring, funny, intelligent husband.
I'd love any suggestions for books to read, blog posts to browse, lists to write, songs to sing, exercises to try- you get the picture. What have you done? What do you do? What have you tried?
I've settled on a mantra- "It's never to late to be what you might have been." And thus my endeavor to be Brett's best wife- what I might have been.
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| A picture. Cause otherwise this post would be boring. |
Hmm this isn't going to be advice you love but it is advice that helped me. I am similarly critical whereas Kyle is very accommodating. I super hate when I trample on him just because I am so know-it-all and overly excitable. However, the opposite thing than you'd think is what helped me. I went on a year long mission to love myself. I didn't even do anything that specific but it turned out that all that intensity I was projecting onto Kyle just so it wouldn't be focused on me. I hated that I was my own worst enemy and giving myself a break meant giving Kyle a break too.
ReplyDeleteThen more recently I've tried to remember to learn all the good things from Kyle that I can because he is in so many ways my better half.
Girl it is still a journey:)
I think you are completely right. I do a WHOLE lot of projecting. Can I also declare my year of no resolutions is a year of giving myself a break?
DeleteI totally understand you when it comes to being more of a talker instead of a listener. This makes me similar to Chris' mom and sister, and we are wonderful women! However, I tend to lose sight that Chris needs a support system as well..and I have to work at being aware and choosing to be quieter so I can support him as well. The first step is always being aware..which you already are! I try to take a breath when he hasn't talked much to just be silent. It usually results in Chris talking much more than he would have otherwise. And that always feels good.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful wife Amanda! The fact that you are so open and honest with your struggles and that you DESIRE to be more to Brett and to love him even more...makes for wonderful things, and for a wonderful marriage.
We are all struggling and growing together, so thanks for sharing :)
Thanks for the encouragement! I'm all about building a team and you and Chris and Kyle and Rachel are like my A Team!
DeleteI have a book for that.
ReplyDelete(I always have a book for something. That's how I deal. I find a book about it, and learn how to fix it. This is not always a healthy-or successful-appraoch!)
Haha. I'm a big fan of that tactic!
DeleteI love that you want to be a good wife! I think every marriage in this world would be awesome if it was made up of a wife wanting to be a good wife and a husband wanting to be a good husband. "It's the thought that counts" does have some merit in this area! I have been married over 7 years and often find myself asking the same questions! One little piece of advice is to try to think of some way to bless your husband everyday. Ask him what things speak love the loudest to him... is it initiating holding hands? Doing a load of laundry? Random I love you texts? Then try to focus your efforts on those things. Also, I suggest reading The 5 Love Languages (together if the hubs is willing). It really helped Nick and I to show each other love better!
ReplyDeleteWe are constantly trying to improve our marriage! We have a good marriage and we want to keep it that way. Housework is gross and I hate it, so we have gotten to where he helps with laundry and dishes he is also the "organizer" and I am the deep cleaner. He would see how stressed I would get and he enjoys being the reason I am not stressed about it! I also decided that every night before bed we are to say "something nice" about the other person, this doesn't always happen but we try. My favorite thing we do is read everynight, and no not side by side but we pick out a book and one of us reads it to the other. We read books we have already read and are really into, mostly Harry Potter because they spark conversation! I often think there is too much technology and though we are together everynight we are on our phones/laptops with the tv on. During our reading time it is just us, focusing on us! Sometimes we get so caught up talking we hardly read at all. Also to go off Katie's if you want to cheat there are quizes online for the love languages!I still have a snarky comment but now afterward I usually say "I mean..." and I rephrase it in a nice way, it makes us laugh if nothing else.
ReplyDeleteI am so very happily married, for 10 years!, so you would think I would have something to add. Now, my wife-experience is colored by the fact that I am also the mom, and the support-person; our dynamic is definitely different than it was when we were first married and were two adults with two jobs. Before we had kids I was a lot more self-absorbed and had no idea why he would even want to put up with me. Perhaps I was very cute.
ReplyDeleteBut anyway! #1: super very lucky to have him. I suspect you feel the same about Brett.
#2: we are on the same team. This may be more of a mindset thing and it sounds obvious when I type it, but we are both on the team of his job: I pack his lunch, get up and make him breakfast, make sure his work clothes are clean, listen to him talk about problems or good things, pretty much whatever I can do to help with his job. (I suspect if I had kept working we would have morphed into both being on the same team for both jobs, we were not in the beginning, but I stopped working and had the babies) ALSO: on the same team for parenting
#3: LET IT GO- J is a very let it go person, so he doesn't harp on things or stew about small things. I had to learn to let it all go. Unless it is VERY IMPORTANT (and most things aren't) just move on. If he said something I stewed over, I had to remember that he is in his own head, not mine and it's most likely not a big deal. And go with the flow- life changes so quickly and is rarely predictable, so just go with it and be happy
#4: Be happy. Remember how freaking lucky I am. Most things don't matter when I remember this.
#5: Do the "intimate married things" a lot. wink wink Seriously. don't ever stop. There will be lulls as life comes (babies, health, etc.) and someday we will be old and have bad hips or something could happen to one of us and I just want to enjoy the hell out of my husband for as long as life allows.
#6: do nice things for him. see the making of the lunch and breakfast above. I try and be helpful and get him things he's looking for or run errands or make his favorite foods. He is also super nice to me, so it works out well.
GL! I hope this was what you were looking for. I find marriages very interesting. especially because people are so different and I find it fascinating to know what makes couples work or fall apart.
Gosh, you're the best. I love ALL Of this!
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